Male Restroom Etiquette

This time last year at my place of employment, our building was fairly vacant. On our floor there was us, a marketing firm and a mortgage firm. This made making frequent and prolonged visits to the can a fun, relaxing and satisfying experience. One could take the latest newspaper or sports page into the throne room and escape the ongoing rigors of work, clearing your head (and body) and return to the office in a motivated, relieved state.

This unfortunately is no longer the case. Early in 2009 our building was lucky enough to be purchased and inhabited by SAIC (Science Application International Corporation) and the DMV. As you could expect, our solitude in all areas disappeared quickly as nerdy semi-quasi military people and angry black ladies began to inhabit every nook and cranny of our building. Even worse, the peaceful serenity of using the john went away.

Now going into the lavatory requires: patience, nerves of steel and a standard military grade issued K-1 gas mask. Where before you could do you worst to the 12x12 tiled space without the slightest worry of ridicule, now you must pay close attention to how and what time you decide to attempt to relieve yourself.

There are a few things you never do in the mens room (or at least this poster adheres to):
1. Never talk
2. Never make eye contact
3. Always choose the farthest stall or receptacle from the current user as possible
4. Never emerge from the stall after you have effectively destroyed it when someone else is doing their business. Always wait until they leave.
5. Silence is golden with double occupancy

Breaking these rules usually results in some random and uncomfortable conversation about what color the paper towels are, or how the 3rd receptacle from the end has the lower water pressure than the rest. Things men just need not discuss while partaking in this most holy of proceedings. Below is a small snippet of such an occurrence I encountered only today.

Opening the door, I immediately regretted it as my nostrils singed with the aroma one could only describe as "horrifying". Had the situation not been as much an emergency I would have done an about- face and turned and ran. But what was equaling to a photo finish I proceeded to "go in" and take my chances.

As I entered, hoping I was alone, I quickly realized that I was not. For some reason I always encounter the same 300lb+, 59 year old gentlemen who may just have had 1 too many hot wings for lunch. As my visit was only calling for a number 1 and not a number 2 I hurried to the far wall and proceeded to do my business. Now referring to #5 of my above list of "no-no's" this gentleman always seems break this by-law. As I continue, I can hear him finishing up, I am thinking to myself, "come on! hurry up, I dont want to be in here AGAIN when this guy comes out of the stall". But sadly I am disappointed.

Him: "Hey hows it going?" swinging the stall door open
Me: "uh hi, uh yea Im doing ok" trying to stay focused pretending to admire the tile pattern on the ceiling.
Him: "Boy its hot outside today and this AC in this building is really lousy" as he wipes sweat from his forehead.
Me: "um yes indeed it is, if I were you I would talk to the management about it"
Him: "haha yea like that would do anything" and proceeds to give me a friendly shove as he walks out.

I jump in horror and recoil sharply-responding fearfully "hehe ok cya later"

Apparently the 20+ year generation gap between he and I in his eyes allowed him to break every rule most men hold dearly in the head.

Disturbed I wash my hands and go back to work, far from the feeling of relaxation in previous years.