Fountain Drinking

While standing in line to get a fountain drink refill at my local Chipotle I started thinking that each establishment should post a list of rules related to the filling, refilling and management of a soda fountain. This is because most people that use them, dont know what the fuck they are doing!

There is a certain etiquette to partaking in the fountain drinking line. If you violate these rules, you should immediately have your paper cup stripped from your party, and you should be made an example of, preferable in front of all other patrons.

Here is what should be listed on the wall.

• You should never stand and talk to a friend at the refill line.
• You should never send a child to the refill line.
• You should have your drink choice decision made before you reach the front of the line.
• You should only build a suicide if no one is line behind you.
• Make sure the foam subsides before you move your cup. Foam spillovers can cause a huge mess.
• If you get foam spillover on your hands, it is acceptable to take a piece of ice from the dispenser to wash your hands.
• If no one is in line behind you, you can press the water lever and wash your hands off. this is probably pushing the envelope on etiquette, but i would still cast my vote for it.
• Crushed ice is better than cubed ice.
• The iced tea from the fountain is usually pretty bad. Always look for the brewed tea on the side.
• When you’re finished filling your cup, move out of the way.
• There are times when two people can fill from the fountain at the same time, but be careful. If you attempt to move in to fill while someone else is there, look for body language that clearly communicates its ok to invade their filling space. a nod, a slight move to the side, or a verbal welcome to join are three of the most popular cues.
• Don’t ever share a fountain drink with a friend or family member. it’s stealing. Plain and simple. Don’t try to justify it.
• Paper cups are much better than the trendy plastic ones. Styrofoam cups are the best.
• There’s seldom a need to buy a large fountain drink and never a need for an extra large. What do you think refills are for?
• It is commonly expected for you to get one last refill on the way out. Go ahead. You paid for it.
• Don’t ever bring an old cup into a restaurant and act like you just paid for it. That simply will not fly and will get ugly responses from all customers.
• Be grateful that you live in a country that has fountain drink refills. Freedom is a great thing.

Instead most people

• Get cup
• Fill with Ice
• Look around
• Ponder what drink to dispense
• Begin dispensing
• Finish halfway up, take a sip
• Look around some more, see who is watching them
• Continue filling the cup to the top
• Putting finger in foam
  
• Ponder another sip
• Look around
  
• Leave

This is unacceptable!! While this process takes place, I could have filled 10 cups of Mr. Pibb or Sprite. If you find yourself in front of me and are in the midst of the above list, I will give you the "annoyed" look to make sure when you look back at me, that I am on the verge of putting you in a sleeper hold.

The balance

The balance...the very essence of the word can wreak havoc on a normal persons psyche. The way you take the good and the bad in everyday life, deal with it and decide on which side you should lay your emotions.

After all, your normal right? You not a drug induced mental patient strapped with leather to a metal bed. Your not that nutjob on the street corner talking to himself, sleeping on a bench and sifting through a garbage can for dinner. You have bills, a wife, a mortgage and a dog. The American dream right? Only thing missing is the white picket fence, of which can easily be purchased at Home Depot for 69.99 per 6ft section, and installed in an afternoon.

But what is the American dream? Is it actually these things? Or can it be a situation where you are content in your own head, whatever you deem it to be. Hell it may be that you love fast women, partying and drugs. Or it could be where you live your life on a straight edge. Never wavering from the line that you think defines you, your IPOD in one hand and your Bible in the other.

But what about the 3rd way? Where you just feel like your swimming in circles within the cesspool that is society. You think you have achieved your goals. You think you have made your parents and family proud. You have met the sterotypes of life that started as early as when a caveman brought back a dead zebra for dinner. But at the end of the day it doesnt all add up. These things that you were taught your entire life to achieve, in reality are just a mirage. A mere reflection of who you really are and what you REALLY wanted to become growing up. Its a terrible feeling, a hopeless, blank feeling.

I dont know, I guess to each their own. Life goes no matter how you deal with it. Life doesnt care that your broke, or sick, or that you hate it. Life is life and yes life is a bitch sometimes, cliche not withstanding. Just when you think you have it figured out, it puts you down

Play dates for men?

I am wondering why is it that women feel the need to set up play dates for their significant others?

I have my hobbies just like any other guy. I like to watch football, drink beer, ride motorcycles, go camping etc. Obviously these are the things that women can either partake in or learn to "deal with" if they are not interested. Not necessarily a selfish way of looking at things, more of a "get my own way" type of deal. The distinction is clear.

But my partner always seems to want to set me up with other men to do activities with. It goes something like: "hey honey go talk to Joe Blow over there, he likes football too" or "I know this guy from high school, I havent seen or spoken to him in 10 years, but he rides dirt bikes too just like you, isnt that cool? You should go be his friend".

Mind you these are days when I usually am at my laziest point. Sundays when 12pm rolls around, I have already had 3-4 beers and am deeply mesmerized in the race or football.

I guess the intention is good and I should appreciate her thinking of me at EVERY WAKING MOMENT, its just amusing how I am thought of a 7 year old looking for play dates.

Male Restroom Etiquette

This time last year at my place of employment, our building was fairly vacant. On our floor there was us, a marketing firm and a mortgage firm. This made making frequent and prolonged visits to the can a fun, relaxing and satisfying experience. One could take the latest newspaper or sports page into the throne room and escape the ongoing rigors of work, clearing your head (and body) and return to the office in a motivated, relieved state.

This unfortunately is no longer the case. Early in 2009 our building was lucky enough to be purchased and inhabited by SAIC (Science Application International Corporation) and the DMV. As you could expect, our solitude in all areas disappeared quickly as nerdy semi-quasi military people and angry black ladies began to inhabit every nook and cranny of our building. Even worse, the peaceful serenity of using the john went away.

Now going into the lavatory requires: patience, nerves of steel and a standard military grade issued K-1 gas mask. Where before you could do you worst to the 12x12 tiled space without the slightest worry of ridicule, now you must pay close attention to how and what time you decide to attempt to relieve yourself.

There are a few things you never do in the mens room (or at least this poster adheres to):
1. Never talk
2. Never make eye contact
3. Always choose the farthest stall or receptacle from the current user as possible
4. Never emerge from the stall after you have effectively destroyed it when someone else is doing their business. Always wait until they leave.
5. Silence is golden with double occupancy

Breaking these rules usually results in some random and uncomfortable conversation about what color the paper towels are, or how the 3rd receptacle from the end has the lower water pressure than the rest. Things men just need not discuss while partaking in this most holy of proceedings. Below is a small snippet of such an occurrence I encountered only today.

Opening the door, I immediately regretted it as my nostrils singed with the aroma one could only describe as "horrifying". Had the situation not been as much an emergency I would have done an about- face and turned and ran. But what was equaling to a photo finish I proceeded to "go in" and take my chances.

As I entered, hoping I was alone, I quickly realized that I was not. For some reason I always encounter the same 300lb+, 59 year old gentlemen who may just have had 1 too many hot wings for lunch. As my visit was only calling for a number 1 and not a number 2 I hurried to the far wall and proceeded to do my business. Now referring to #5 of my above list of "no-no's" this gentleman always seems break this by-law. As I continue, I can hear him finishing up, I am thinking to myself, "come on! hurry up, I dont want to be in here AGAIN when this guy comes out of the stall". But sadly I am disappointed.

Him: "Hey hows it going?" swinging the stall door open
Me: "uh hi, uh yea Im doing ok" trying to stay focused pretending to admire the tile pattern on the ceiling.
Him: "Boy its hot outside today and this AC in this building is really lousy" as he wipes sweat from his forehead.
Me: "um yes indeed it is, if I were you I would talk to the management about it"
Him: "haha yea like that would do anything" and proceeds to give me a friendly shove as he walks out.

I jump in horror and recoil sharply-responding fearfully "hehe ok cya later"

Apparently the 20+ year generation gap between he and I in his eyes allowed him to break every rule most men hold dearly in the head.

Disturbed I wash my hands and go back to work, far from the feeling of relaxation in previous years.

Cage Drivers, Lolly Gaggers

Disclaimer - First let me say that I will probably offend 95% of those reading this. If you have the intestinal fortitude to endure, then please read on. If you woke up today particularly sensitive or your mommy didnt wipe the drizzle from your nose today, I would advise hitting your back button.

I purchased a new motorcycle about a month ago. Well not new being it is a 2006, but new to me. I did this for many reasons - save gas, commuting, speed, and overall the thrill for bikes. As I continue to ride to work and various places everyday, I am finding myself hating people in cars exponentially more now that I partake in 2 wheels rather than 4. What I do not understand is the incessant need to for people to "lolly gag". By lolly gag I mean those drivers who never seem to be on a schedule. They get in their cars, and instead of focusing on driving like they should be, they focus on fiddling with their stupid ass iPhones, navigation systems, fancy stereo apparatuses, make up kits etc, instead of doing their best to get where they are going in the safest, most efficient manner possible, they feel that their car trip is some romantic vacation that they are going with their little devices, rather than a mode of transport between A and B. Meanwhile, here I am on a motorcycle. Senses on overload all the time trying to avoid these nonchalant drivers and all the while trying to get where I am going. I am cut off, tailgated, merged on and blocked on a daily basis. At first I thought it was because I wasn't visible enough, but now I am starting to think there is some sort of vengeance involved. I actually had a guy try to run me off the road the other day because I went around him. Are they jealous because I can split lanes and not sit in lines of traffic at stop lights? At first I would have said no, but now 30 days later I would attest "yes".

Driving is a privilege, NOT A RIGHT! Not only do we allow them this privilege but we allow it for LIFE! We allow a 16 year old to take 1 test, and have his license for LIFE! They are wielding a 3000lbs killing machine and they are good to go after answering 50 questions? I really don’t see the intelligence in this. What is wrong with a retest every 5 years just to make sure you have not become even more of a bumbling idiot than you already were? Maybe 6 months for women. Dont get me wrong I love women, they really rev my engines, but if I have to swerve to miss another chick with her iPhone on, compact flipped open and cigarette hanging out of her mouth I am going to break!

Ugh...I regress.

Another mans hat

Now there is something to be said about sibling love. But when it comes to another mans hat, the proverbial line needs to be drawn!

I woke this morning with a tingling in my head. The type that only one who drinks bud light could know. Not the debilitating type in which you make a mad rush for the Excedrin, trading head pain for a hole in your stomach. Just the ever so slight of "hey buddy, you had one too many last night and this knot in your noggin is just a friendly reminder of the fact."

The rectitude that it was Friday made things a little better as I proceeded through my morning routine. I thought "hey, today is casual Friday I think I am going to wear my new hat." As I gathered my belongings and began my trip to the door and off to the office, the last stop was to grab this beauty of a cover. After wandering around the house, already late looking for it, I was made aware that my younger sibling was last seen wearing it. Not once, but a hand full of occasions.

After exchanging text messages inquiring why my cap was so lawlessly taken, the reason I was given was that "I never wear it" and "I didnt know you could wear hats to work"

Strange, I wonder what else has disappeared from my closet and dresser that was determined to be of non use? Could a pair of my drawers be considered as open season as well?